Romance

[MetroStyles]

Originally Posted by Matt

because I feel like we are on the verge of another MS lovelife thread with all the potential of his foray into internet dating.

Unlikely. The online dating thread held a lowest-common-denominator appeal to the masses, much like the Springer show. I don't have too many interesting thoughts on the topic at hand so I expect it won't be nearly as effective in getting people interested or riled up. I am expecting:

- 10% serious, thought-provoking replies
- 60% passive-aggressive jokes implicitly mocking the fact that I am starting a thread on romance
- 30% insipid romance vignettes and trite dating advice

I guess I am posting for that 10%. We'll see how on the money I am with my predictions.

 

[Thomas]

Originally Posted by Matt

because I feel like we are on the verge of another MS lovelife thread with all the potential of his foray into internet dating.
Actually, I was waiting for the hoards of young, inexperienced poasters, quoting the textbook romantic advice they dutifully copied out of the pages of Maxim magazine. Then again, I could be unusually bitter and cynical today.

Originally Posted by Manton

Romance and alpha are like matter and anti-matter.
That sound you hear is hammer hitting nail on the head.

Originally Posted by MetroStyles

Not interested in romantic advice. More interested in how other SFers feel about romance and how they've used it in their lives. Flowers are one thing (effective if not creative) but I'm sure there are some more creative/meaningful examples out there. I expect that many examples of romance are only romantic given the unique situation of a given relationship. Perhaps these are the most romantic moments as they cannot be copied or mass-produced with the same effect.
Very perceptive. Different people have different romantic triggers, and I think it relates to the four languages of love (Dear God smite me now for admitting to knowing this) - words, deeds, time, and God help me I can't remember the fourth. (oops, it's five. Words, service, touch, gifts, time).

 

[Thomas]

^^ so, anyway, if you want to be romantic and have it matter...know which language your partner values, and go in that direction.

Okay, I can tell you how I know this. It was in a Toastmasters speech given by a friend of mine. She's a sweet, intelligent, down-to-earth, and quite pretty young lady (no pics are forthcoming) who examined her own relationship with her (burly but charming) sheriff's deputy husband.

So, there's my contribution to your expected 10% and I hope I didn't **** up your thread too badly Metro.

 

[MetroStyles]

So what did she say in that speech, T-bone?

I wonder - can romance be realistic or does it purely reside in the realm of idealism? I am an idealist at heart which is why the topic is starting to fascinate me more and more. For a long time I thought romance was for fools but then I realized that a relationship or affair without romance is like life without music. It does the trick, but there is a lot being missed out on. I also hated romance films for a long time (and still do most of them) until I realized that my favorite director (Wong Kar Wai) was basically the epitome of a great director of modern un-sappy romance films. Thank God for foreign cinema. But I digress.

 

[Thomas]

Well, this was a few years back, but she talked about her and her hubs being in love, but not quite in sync. And, like any self-respecting woman would do, she asked around and a friend recommended this book - That was more or less the opening portion. The body of the speech was informational: each of the five languages and what they entailed, and how to gauge what category a person most valued (hint: they ask for it). At the end she talked about how she was category A but he was category C, and they talked and compromised so that he tries to do the 'A' type things and she tries to do the 'C' type things. As for Chez T-bone, the Mrs. is a 'quality time' sort of person, which tends to involve television - and that's a shiv between the ribs to be because I really really dislike television and always finds better things to do (which makes me a 'service type, I suppose), which is how I more or less sabotage the marriage. Things were better for us when Gilmore Girls was on.

I could at least tolerate that. And, the natural question is: does watching Gilmore Girls constitute romance? Well, for her, it does.

 

[Piobaire]

Originally Posted by MetroStyles

Not interested in romantic advice. More interested in how other SFers feel about romance and how they've used it in their lives. Flowers are one thing (effective if not creative) but I'm sure there are some more creative/meaningful examples out there. I expect that many examples of romance are only romantic given the unique situation of a given relationship. Perhaps these are the most romantic moments as they cannot be copied or mass-produced with the same effect.

I'm impressed because you are on the correct path.

"Romance" is not about corny and trite gestures. "Romance" is not something that happens between strangers (much to the chagrin of bodice rippers everywhere.) Romance is created through simple yet meaningful gestures between people that know each other well. It is about showing that you are paying attention to the wants, needs, preferences and desires of the person you are with.

If you're paying attention, and not asleep at the wheel in your relationship, romance is pretty easy.

 

[DerekS]

you spelled "anal" wrong.

 

[CDFS]

That Lorelei must have invigorated many a marriage.

 

[tagutcow]

Originally Posted by CDFS

That Lorelei must have invigorated many a marriage.

Wouldn't it just be too perfect if you, me, and Neo all had our early-aughts shaped by watching the Gilmore Girls?

 

[patrickBOOTH]

I like romance. One thing that my girlfriend loves and finds romantic is simply the unexpected. Like meeting her at her work when she gets off with her favorite flowers and taking her to the park.

One day she called me to see if I wanted to go see a film with her. She said she was going alone. I told her that I was busy or something, but ended up getting there before her to trick her. Silly, but it makes things fun.

 

[MetroStyles]

Originally Posted by Piobaire

I'm impressed because you are on the correct path.

"Romance" is not about corny and trite gestures. "Romance" is not something that happens between strangers (much to the chagrin of bodice rippers everywhere.) Romance is created through simple yet meaningful gestures between people that know each other well. It is about showing that you are paying attention to the wants, needs, preferences and desires of the person you are with.

If you're paying attention, and not asleep at the wheel in your relationship, romance is pretty easy.

I think you are right on the money with most of what you are saying. I do have a question about the bolded part. I may be using "romance" in a broader context than you are, but I feel that some of my most romantic moments have happened with women I've known for a week or two. Fair to say that these weren't true strangers. With true strangers, memorable moments can be made but they are often based on basic attraction and lust, which isn't to take anything away from them because they can amazing. I do think that romance can occur very early on (a few weeks) and is often most exciting then due to the new-ness of it all. "First times" and "last times" often carry an emotional weight that is difficult, though not impossible, to replicate during the meat of a relationship.

 

[Piobaire]

^ Yeah, hard to tell when things move from the basic excitement of a new bed buddy into romance of the kind I'm talking about. I do think people often get initial excitement mixed up with romance. I think the difference is that initial excitement is about you (rhetorical) being amp'ed up over a new relationship whereas romance is about the other person.

 

[in stitches]

here goes more boring yawn stuff. sweeping the house, putting the kids to bed, doing dishes, a gift card to a spa, going out to dinner on a weeknight.... very romantic. if you equate romance with constantly trying creating feelings of love and closeness with your partner

 

[Piobaire]

Originally Posted by in stitches

here goes more boring yawn stuff. sweeping the house, putting the kids to bed, doing dishes, a gift card to a spa, going out to dinner on a weeknight.... very romantic. if you equate romance with constantly trying creating feelings of love and closeness with your partner

None of that is a given. Take the spa gift card: Mrs. Piob would hate that. It would not be romantic at all to her. This is what I mean when I say romance is about knowing the other person well.

 

[in stitches]

Originally Posted by Piobaire

None of that is a given. Take the spa gift card: Mrs. Piob would hate that. It would not be romantic at all to her. This is what I mean when I say romance is about knowing the other person well.

haha funny you should say that. my wife would also have no interest in such a card. and yes your earlier statement about knowing the other person is spot on. i was just trying to list a few common examples of things that seem small but when you know the peron who is receiving them they can be very romantic. for many raesons not the least of which is that it shows you pay attention to their needs and desires.