How does one deal with a (legitimately) depressing situation?

[Douglas]

Heartbreaking. Best of luck. Here's hoping your friend pulls through.

 

[83glt]

Assuming she recovers, I don't think you should approach her with your feelings as others have suggested. She is mentally ill. Mental illness is a terrible thing, and often you can talk and explain until you are blue in the face and the recipient looks at you like you are the crazy one. Unless she is being treated and taking her medication, I would avoid confronting her. Otherwise, you run the risk of her internalizing your feelings or misinterpreting them and her becoming even more depressed and dangerous to herself or others. I think your best bet is to remain supportive of her and her family, think positively and try to spread positivity among her family (i.e., put a stop to people blaming themselves, or expressing anger directly at your friend).

Bottom line is that it's mental illness and you have to recognize that. With mental illness there's often no explanation or reason. Weird **** happens. The person is sick and will be forever. The best that can happen is successful treatment, which can work wonders. But if not treated, you can expect this type of behavior frankly. Sorry to hear of your troubles, but there is little you can do imo.
Good luck.

 

[baseball_guy]

Originally Posted by 83glt

Assuming she recovers, I don't think you should approach her with your feelings as others have suggested. She is mentally ill. Mental illness is a terrible thing, and often you can talk and explain until you are blue in the face and the recipient looks at you like you are the crazy one. Unless she is being treated and taking her medication, I would avoid confronting her. Otherwise, you run the risk of her internalizing your feelings or misinterpreting them and her becoming even more depressed and dangerous to herself or others. I think your best bet is to remain supportive of her and her family, think positively and try to spread positivity among her family (i.e., put a stop to people blaming themselves, or expressing anger directly at your friend).

Bottom line is that it's mental illness and you have to recognize that. With mental illness there's often no explanation or reason. Weird **** happens. The person is sick and will be forever. The best that can happen is successful treatment, which can work wonders. But if not treated, you can expect this type of behavior frankly. Sorry to hear of your troubles, but there is little you can do imo.
Good luck.

He can tell her how he feels without a confrontation-- "When you did X it made me feel Y". Not "I blame you for X". I disagree about stereotyping mental illness as "crazy". Mental illness is nothing more than an imbanance of a neurotransmitter. She can still think and feel.

I also disagree about "the person is sick and will be forever"! 26.2% of Americans suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publi...ca/index.shtml Actual lifetime prevalence rates for mental disorders are estimated to be between 65% and 85%. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prevale...ntal_disorders Most people go through something at least once in their life and then recover.

There is a lot he can do depending on how involved he wants to get. He can talk to her. He can make himself available for her calls. He can read a book on her condition to learn more about it. He can get involved with her family, asking if there is anything he can do to help. They may say no, but they will feel good knowing someone offered. Or if he wants to be minimally involved, he can send a get well card.

 

[Teacher]

My heart goes out to you and her loved ones. I refrained from saying anything before in order to keep from bring the board (mostly Dumb Threads) down, but my younger brother committed suicide on January 14. Depression runs in my family so I was no stranger to it, but since then, I've learned an enormous amount.

Originally Posted by baseball_guy

Maybe you would feel better if you told your friend how her suicide attempt made you feel. Maybe she doesn't know people care.

It's possible, but with most who truly attempt suicide, outside reinforcement is basically meaningless. It's like telling an anorexic they're too thin and unhealthy: it's pointless because their dysmorphia comes from within. Once, someone was commenting about my depressed aunt, asking why she was so depressed, as everybody loved her and she had so many friends. Her brother-in-law, who's a psychologist, had a saying: you can't fill a glass with a hole in it.

Originally Posted by Douglas

Awful, sad situation. I'm sorry for your friend, and I'm sorry for you. I'm not sure that someone who is bipolar and off her meds is going to be reachable with plain old reason or just talking and love from friends, though, FWIW. I think I understand why bipolars don't want to take their meds, but without them, just love and therapy are often not enough. In short, I don't know what to tell you - I'd encourage you to just be as good a friend as you can without overextending yourself. Good luck to all involved.

Sage advice. In these situations, it's easy to lose track of ourselves. As painful as it may be, cheesus, you have to realize that this truly is out of your hands. Only your friend and the medical establishment can effect real change with her.

Originally Posted by cheessus

[. . .] it is tough to not feel "responsible" (for lack of a better word), and I have no idea why I'm feeling so strongly about this.

Because you're her friend.

I've known that she doesn't always take her medication, and I've never really pressed that issue because she always seemed more bright and cheery when off them. Also I know how much she abhors her medication mostly because she sees it as shameful.

Both of your observations are very, very common occurences.

She is still in a coma in critical condition as of this time with no progress over the past 12 hrs. The thought that I might lose her is almost overwhelming, as she would be the first person close to me to pass away. However, I am most heartbroken by the fact that she is in so much pain right now physically and mentally. It makes me think that yes, she may be better off if she weren't living. At least she would be at peace with herself. And in a selfish sense, I'd be at peace with myself too.

There are two things about my brother's death that are hardest for me: (1.) the fact that I'll probably grow very old, but I'll only be able to picture him being 32 perpetually; and (2.) knowing how pained he was that it drove him to something like this. I tear up pretty much any time I think of either one of these...it's just heartbreaking, so I know where you're coming from.

Still, in my view, you shouldn't feel she'd be better off dead. Suicidal feelings from depression come from despair and pain so great the person doesn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, when in fact there is always a light. The medical establishment knows that these things are treatable, and in fact the number-one reason bipolars stop taking their meds is because they miss the manic highs, not because the meds aren't working. But like I said, don't beat yourself up trying to figure this out, because you can't. By definition, it's irrational. Instead, find a good support group in your area. They're usually free, and you might be surprised at how helpful they can be.

 

[imageWIS]

Originally Posted by Teacher

My heart goes out to you and her loved ones. I refrained from saying anything before in order to keep from bring the board (mostly Dumb Threads) down, but my younger brother committed suicide on January 14. Depression runs in my family so I was no stranger to it, but since then, I've learned an enormous amount.

I'm sorry for your loss. A good friend of mine lost his brother to suicide a few years back and there was just nothing I could to even remotely console, or help. I mean, sure I was there for him, but other than that, I just felt helpless, and if I felt helpless, I don't even want to know how his brother felt.

Depression is a horrible thing, it can sometimes be partially overcome with the right psychoanalytical help plus the right combination of medicines. The barrier however is that the person with depression needs to not only seek the help of their own will, but as well be consistent with the treatment. But, since they are depressed they do not see reality as we do, and thus tend not to undertake, much less carry out a 'treatment'; it's a horrible catch-22.

 

[acidboy]

****, Teach, I'm so sorry. FWIW, my condolences to you... I hope you find peace with regards to your brother.

 

[Thomas]

Teacher, my condolences to you and I hope you find peace.

 

[Teacher]

Thanks for your thoughts, guys. But still, let's keep focus on cheesus (not that I don't appreciate it!).

 

[ArrrrJay]

Cheesus, hope your friend recovers well, both physically and mentally.

Teacher, my condolences on the loss of your bro.


I have experienced two very different forms of this behavior in my life. One was a good friend in high school who took his own life, and the other, a girlfriend who had some very difficult mental disorders.

My friend in high school ended his life, and it was a shock to everyone who knew him. There were no signs, he was not reaching out for help. He was tormented internally, and decided how he wanted to end his life and did so. In a situation like this, there is very little you can do beside advising and helping your friend get help and counselling. It's very difficult for a friend or loved one to have anything words to say that can effect someone who is as closed off from external emotional relationships. You can only be there, and help where they will allow you to.

The girlfriend on the other hand was the most insane nut job I've ever come across. Self mutilation and suicide were a means to an end. Attention was the currency of life, and if she wasn't getting enough, the performance would begin. Threats of suicide, taking too many drugs, cutting wrists, attacking friends, etc. This doesn't sound like your friend, but it is an extreme example of the cry for help. It's important in these situations to prioritize your own life and emotions while trying to help someone like this.


Hopefully your friend has the support she needs, and wants t make a change in her life. Be prepared for anything though. There are many reasons, and causes for this, and not all of them can be fixed/healed/helped.

/end semi-helpful venting of sad memories

 

[Dedalus]

Originally Posted by ArrrrJay

The girlfriend on the other hand was the most insane nut job I've ever come across. Self mutilation and suicide were a means to an end. Attention was the currency of life, and if she wasn't getting enough, the performance would begin. Threats of suicide, taking too many drugs, cutting wrists, attacking friends, etc. This doesn't sound like your friend, but it is an extreme example of the cry for help. It's important in these situations to prioritize your own life and emotions while trying to help someone like this.

Sorry you had to go through this, but tell me she didn't sex like a champ.

 

[83glt]

Originally Posted by baseball_guy

He can tell her how he feels without a confrontation-- "When you did X it made me feel Y". Not "I blame you for X". I disagree about stereotyping mental illness as "crazy". Mental illness is nothing more than an imbanance of a neurotransmitter. She can still think and feel. I also disagree about "the person is sick and will be forever"! 26.2% of Americans suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publi...ca/index.shtml Actual lifetime prevalence rates for mental disorders are estimated to be between 65% and 85%. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prevale...ntal_disorders Most people go through something at least once in their life and then recover. There is a lot he can do depending on how involved he wants to get. He can talk to her. He can make himself available for her calls. He can read a book on her condition to learn more about it. He can get involved with her family, asking if there is anything he can do to help. They may say no, but they will feel good knowing someone offered. Or if he wants to be minimally involved, he can send a get well card.
Wrong. When he says "when you did X it made me feel Y", her mental illness may very well internalize it as "I blame you for X." Which was my original point. She has bipolar disorder, not some mild depression. She will suffer from this FOREVER. Sorry, but that's medical fact. It can be treated, but right now it can't be cured. All I'm saying is that the OP should be careful on how he approaches this subject as his friend, sadly, is unstable and any response is too unpredictable to warrant a nonchalant approach. I never stereotyped mental illness as "crazy". The OP should not be approaching this situation according to how he feels. Sorry, but it's not about him, it's about his friend. I would even suggest the OP talk about his own feelings with a counselor or therapist, not his friend who needs unconditional support, not an opportunity to feel guilty for her actions and compound the problem. Saddling the friend with his feelings about what happened smacks of insensitivity and selfishness.