A question about ugly divorces

[mondayc]

To start: a story, and I tried to make it short. My sister has been married to a scumbag the last 3 years. The marriage started through pregnancy Since Derek, the boyfriend, was Catholic and didn't want to have a bastard child, he used his persuasion (and who knows, maybe his fists) to have my sister marry him. That baby ended up being born with a birth defect where the part of the brain was outside the head and he only lived for a day. They knew about this well ahead of time, but it was still traumatic for both of them. After the death, my sister started to tell us about Derek's mean behaviors, but I'm not sure if he became abusive then or way before. I know victims of spouse abuse will wait some time before gathering the guts to tell others about it. For whatever reason, they decided to have another baby, who just turned one a month ago. Last year during a snowstorm, Derek kicked her out of their car in the middle of nowhere on the highway at night in the middle of Missouri after taking her cell phone. After an hour of walking in soaked tennis shoes, a state police officer picks her up and brings her to our house 30 miles away. Derek calls our house at 3AM. I pick up the phone and tell him what a **** he is. 10 minutes later he is parked in our driveway, honks the horn (what a *****), and she goes back outside like an obedient dog

. This is just one case of his behavior. An equally outrageous thing happens anywhere between one to three months afterwards. The most recent outbreak was when Derek choked her. She called 911 and had him arrested. A restraining order was filed and a court date set, but Derek managed to convince my sister to let him back in the house after only 2 days. This voided the court appearance, but my sister got serious about another divorce attempt (the 4th at this point, but Derek hypnotized her out of those as well). She set up a separate bank account to sneak some divorce funds out andought a laptop and second cell phone, which she had to keep at work. My sister got suspicious that Derek somehow found out when he said "If I go to jail for punching my wife, you're going to be eating through a straw before I'm dragged off." Three weeks ago was supposed to be the day the b divorce papers were filed when Derek got home from work, but my sister gave him a warning and he ran off

. I seriously wonder WTF goes through my sister's head at times. Derek returned later that night, and my sister again lets him back in. Mistake after mistake. Last week, he had pleaded enough with my sister to let him try counseling, a repeat of the last 4 times my sister's wanted a divorce. He never actually went those times, but he promised this time. After a few days of peace, everything has gone to crap again and I'm deadly afraid for my sister's safety. In fact, I'll probably drive 5 hours to Kansas City tonight and stay there a few days just so he doesn't try anything. One thing always running through my head is that she has the papers ready to be filed along with a restraining order that immediately goes into effect after the papers are signed. Why doesn't she just call the police and get it filed? *With risk of my sister sounding like a complete idiot, she had an ACT score of 32, straight A's, and has a master's degree. Before meeting Derek, she was a confidant, ambitious woman. Cliff notes: My sister is married to a man best described by censored words, things are awful at their house, but she is hesitating to call the police to file the papers. This is what I can't figure out. Are there any psychologists knowledgeable in spouse abuse that have an answer?

 

[sho'nuff]

i dont have an answer but i just teared up a little for your sister after reading about how he kicked her out of the car in the middle of nowhere to walk home. i'll kill someone who did that to my sister or wife or anyone dear to me.

 

[Dakota rube]

I think Derek needs a can of Whoop Ass opened up on him.

 

[sifl]

Originally Posted by mondayc

Why doesn't she just call the police and get it filed?


she is hesitating to call the police to file the papers. This is what I can't figure out.

because of this

Originally Posted by mondayc

For whatever reason, they decided to have another baby, who just turned one a month ago.

 

[Thomas]

Originally Posted by Dakota rube

I think Derek needs a can of Whoop Ass opened up on him.

agree whole-heartedly, but only after the sister is moved far, far away and is committed to leaving his ass. Otherwise, he'll punish her for his getting beat-down.

 

[willpower]

Cognitive intelligence isn't emotional intelligence.

 

[Dakota rube]

Originally Posted by Thomas

agree whole-heartedly, but only after the sister is moved far, far away and is committed to leaving his ass. Otherwise, he'll punish her for his getting beat-down.

Yes.
Good point.

 

[Mr. Moo]

It honestly sounds like your sister's self esteem is non-existent. There are millions of women in this situation who are just simply too beat down (literally and metaphorically) to do a damn thing about it. I don't have any advice - I'm just saying that it's much deeper than just not wanting to do anything about it.

 

[MrG]

Originally Posted by Dakota rube

I think Derek needs a can of Whoop Ass opened up on him.

This...

Originally Posted by Thomas

agree whole-heartedly, but only after the sister is moved far, far away and is committed to leaving his ass. Otherwise, he'll punish her for his getting beat-down.

...and this.

If I were you I'd already be on the road to KC. Get sis and the kid and talk to her until she signs the papers. Once she does you keep them and make sure they're submitted in the morning.

After all of this is done you put her in a hotel room, tell her you need to go out for a bit, and visit Home Depot en route to his house to choose the 2x4 you're going to use to explain why it's impolite to put your hands on a woman.

 

[appolyon]

Originally Posted by Davidko19

this thread is worthless without pictures of said "sister"

not funny

 

[GQgeek]

I've known a couple girls like your sister and dated one of them. I agree that it's partly self-esteem but she could also have feelings for him despite all of the **** he puts her through. It's dofficult for a rational person or outsider to understANd. Many of these women will never leave not matter how many times they think about it.

 

[mondayc]

Originally Posted by willpower

Cognitive intelligence isn't emotional intelligence.
I wish. Like I said, she's a completely different person now than before she was married. Before Derek, she wouldn't take such **** from anyone. I've come very close to grabbing my keys, going to Kansas City, and knocking him into a coma, but I know that when he's back up he's just going to make life for my sister even more of a living hell. He's the sort of guy who will never let anything pass until he has "won," which makes him just as dangerous after the divorce. He recently "won" one of his hissy fight after 12 years of shunning his father. The reason? Derek's dad got a girlfriend 2 years after getting divorced. My sister called between this post and my OP. She hopes to move into a co-worker's basement apartment on Monday while Derek is at work and file the papers, provided Derek isn't running around town asking all of her friends where she is. Last night he didn't let her sleep until she canceled her second cell phone (4AM), but she reactivated it first thing this morning. I know enough about psychology to tell that she wants to get as far away as possible, but her self-confidence has been beaten down to the point where she doesn't think she can do it.

 

[CTGuy]

I am by no means an expert, but anyone with even a modicum of exposure to the court system will tell you that things will not be getting better. It is extremely unlikely that a man like Derek will break his pattern of behavior. I am not a psychologist, but a lawyer, and my belief is that people in your situation simply don't know enough about the statistics to realize Derek is not special. There are literally thousands of other "Dereks" out there who could be pointed to as case studies. What will happen to your sister if she stays with him is not pretty and easily predicted.

There are those that say you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. However, my best advice to you is to attempt to make that horse drink as much as you can. Your sister should realize that if she has a one year old, keeping that child in a household with someone like Derek will have serious consequences for it down the line.

As others said, I can't even hope to understand her psychology, but she should make every attempt to press charges against this guy early and often. File for divorce and get a restraining order.

 

[TyCooN]

Originally Posted by willpower

Cognitive intelligence isn't emotional intelligence.
+1

Originally Posted by Mr. Moo

It honestly sounds like your sister's self esteem is non-existent. There are millions of women in this situation who are just simply too beat down (literally and metaphorically) to do a damn thing about it. I don't have any advice - I'm just saying that it's much deeper than just not wanting to do anything about it.
+1

Originally Posted by GQgeek

I've known a couple girls like your sister and dated one of them. I agree that it's partly self-esteem but she could also have feelings for him despite all of the **** he puts her through. It's dofficult for a rational person or outsider to understANd. Many of these women will never leave not matter how many times they think about it.
How did it feel to choke her?

I grew up right next door to a couple like the one in this thread. No matter how many times my parents or anyone else on the block tried to help her it was the same ol story. The wife kept coming back to all the AZZ beatings like she subconsciously wanted them. It's ultimately up to the person getting an AZZ beating. You can only help someone after they chose to help them self.

 

[DNW]

She probably needs to see a real shrink, seriously. Your sister will not break out of this marriage out of her own volition, and if she ever finds the strength to do it, it would've been too late. She needs someone who can rebuild her esteem after years of destruction, and you won't be the one she listens too.